Scene: Psychotherapist's office: chair and “couch”
PATIENT has just entered and is shaking DOC's hand.
DOC: Well, Mrs Planter, why don't you have a seat on the couch and tell me why you are here.
PATIENT: [reclining] Well, Doc, I've been having trouble sleeping. When I'm laying in the bed I worry that something is under the bed and it's gonna get me, so I move under the bed to prove to myself that there's nothing to worry about. Then after a while I start worrying that there's something on top of the bed and it's gonna get my husband and so I move back on top of the bed. By the time morning comes, this has happened several times and we have gotten very little actual sleep.
DOC: Ah, this kind of persistent delusion stems from long held feelings of insecurity, repressed in your early adult years by the facade of success, but now coming to light as you begin to question the choices you have made, similar to the common male mid-life-crisis. It often takes months of therapy to dig back into your childhood and discover what events led you to feel inferior, and months more to learn to positively re-evaluate your personhood through mature analytical processes rather than childish emotional reactionism. Or, you can solve your problem in about 20 minutes.
PATIENT: How, doctor, how?
DOC: Cut the legs off your bed.
PATIENT: [wait a beat] But that's not all, doc. Even when I do sleep, I have disturbing dreams. One night last month I dreamed I was a set of curtains.
DOC: You've got to pull yourself together.
PATIENT: And last week I dreamed I was a deck of playing cards.
DOC: We'll deal with that later.
PATIENT: And last night I had two very strange dreams. First I dreamed I was a wigwam. Then I dreamed I was a teepee.
DOC: I think I am beginning to see the problem. You are two tents!
PATIENT: And doc, sleep issues aren't my only problems, according to my husband. He thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages!
DOC: Why that's not crazy! I like sausages also!
PATIENT: Really?! That's reassuring. [beat] You should come over and see my collection some time. I have hundreds.
DOC: [does doubletake] Hmmm...self esteem issues, stress, overinvestment of time in sausage collecting...I think I am ready to make a diagnosis. You need to experience the benefits of friendship. How long has it been since you had a good friend?
PATIENT: Oh, doc, I do have friends, 1234 on MyFace.com alone!
DOC: No, no. I mean REAL friends! People you actually spend time with!
PATIENT: Well, I was at a class reunion recently. I spent time with over a hundred of my old friends from the good old days. Does that count?
DOC: No! You need friends that you do things with on a regular basis, not every 10 years!
PATIENT: Ok, what about my friends at work? I see them every day!
DOC: Do you see them outside of the office?
PATIENT: Those jerks? Of course not!
DOC: Ok, let's try again. Do you have any friends that you share your inner thoughts and feelings with?
PATIENT: Ummmm.....Hey! I'm doing that with you. Does that make me your friend?
DOC: Goodness no! I want to forget about you the minute the door closes behind—I mean, unfortunately we have to maintain a professional distance in our relationship.
PATIENT: Well, doc, it looks like I don't have any real friends besides my husband. Where can I get some?
DOC: You know, our mothers always used to say, to have a friend, be a friend.
PATIENT: But how can I learn what it means to be a true friend?
DOC: Have you ever heard of the Bible?
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